For parents raising their kids in the age of phones, social media and the internet, it can be tricky. Research links kids鈥� use of social media with depression and anxiety. A lot of content online isn鈥檛 appropriate for kids, and there鈥檚 not much keeping them from accessing it. Plus, people of all ages spend a lot of time staring at their phones, scrolling instead of engaging with the people and the world around them.
knows this challenge well; she鈥檚 a psychology professor at San Diego State University, and she鈥檚 spent a lot of time researching the effects of technology on kids. She鈥檚 also a parent raising teenagers.
Here & Now鈥榮 Scott Tong talks to Twenge about her new book, 鈥�,鈥� that offers clear guidance on why and how to set boundaries.
8 questions with Jean Twenge
What did you learn writing your 2017 book, 鈥渋Gen: Why Today鈥檚 Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy, and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood鈥�?
鈥淎bout a decade ago, in the big national surveys of teens that I work with, I started to see some startling patterns that more and more teens started to say they felt left out, that they felt lonely, that they felt like they couldn鈥檛 do anything right, that their life wasn鈥檛 useful. Those last two are classic symptoms of depression. And those trends kept going.
鈥淪o clinical-level depression among teens doubled between 2011 and 2019. So, well before the COVID pandemic, we already had an adolescent mental health crisis. When I first started to see these trends, I had no idea what might be causing them. Then one day, I saw [the] whole thing started to fall into place, because you know what happened at the end of 2012, that was the first time the majority of Americans owned a smartphone. It was also around the time that more and more high school students started to use social media, that it moved from optional to almost mandatory among high school students to be on social media every day.鈥�
Rule number one in the book is You Are in Charge. What does that mean, and what broader parenting strategy are you suggesting?
鈥淲e know from decades of research in psychology that the most beneficial parenting style is authoritative, but that鈥檚 a little bit of a mouthful. So some people call that dolphin parenting 鈥� firm, but flexible. So it鈥檚 loving but firm.
鈥淵es, you talk to your kids and you enjoy them as people, but you are their parent, not their friend. And so you have rules in place and boundaries in place and structure. And when they don鈥檛 like that, you can respond with empathy, but you hold your ground.鈥�
Another rule you wrote about is No Social Media Until Age 16 or Later. How can social media be harmful for kids and teens?
鈥淭here are so many ways. I mean, first, we just have to acknowledge that these social media platforms weren鈥檛 designed for kids. They weren鈥檛 even designed for teenagers. They were designed for adults. And even many adults have a hard time closing the app because the companies have poured billions into making their products, as they call it, engaging, other people call it as addictive as possible. And it is hard enough for adults to manage their time on social media. And then we think a 10-year-old, 12-year-old, or even a 15-year-old can do so? They can鈥檛.
鈥淲hich is why Gallup, for example, found pretty recently that the average American teen now spends 5 hours a day using social media, when you include YouTube and TikTok in that total, and that is way too much time. It鈥檚 crowding out the time that teens need to sleep. It鈥檚 crowding out time for them to spend time with each other in person. And then on top of that, there鈥檚 all of the toxic competition for likes and followers, the comparison to everybody else鈥檚 more glamorous life and perfect body online. I mean, we could talk for half an hour about all of the toxic things that kids are exposed to.鈥�
How should parents respond to kids saying all their friends are on social media and not being on it would deprive them of connection to their friends?
鈥淚t鈥檚 not essential. There鈥檚 many ways that kids can communicate with their friends, even electronically. They can text them. They can call them. They can FaceTime them. Even better, they can see each other in person.
鈥淏ut this idea that social media is absolutely essential for teens communicating with each other is a complete myth. Plus, as my 18-year-old told me recently, she said, 鈥榊ou know, anybody who refuses to communicate with you just because you don鈥檛 have a certain platform is not really your friend.鈥欌��
What rules have worked with your kids, and what has been challenging?
鈥淪o we have had the rule, which is also in the book, you get your first Internet-enabled phone 鈥� your first smartphone 鈥� when you鈥檙e 16 and you have your driver鈥檚 license. That means there鈥檚 kind of a long gap between when a lot of kids are going to get a phone for the convenience of, like, the bus stop being far away, or being picked up from sports practice, or things like that. So we鈥檝e gotten our kids basic phones, they鈥檙e phones designed for children that do not have social media, do not have [artificial intelligence] boyfriends and girlfriends, and most of them also don鈥檛 have an Internet browser.
鈥淪o my 13-year-old and 15-year-old have phones like that. And that鈥檚 made things a lot easier, because there鈥檚 no capability on that device for them to be on social media. The place that was hardest for me was laptops. You can鈥檛 put parental controls on a school laptop, so you get them a personal laptop, but then you have to try to put parental controls on that. Sometimes kids find workarounds, especially to the device-based controls. The laptop鈥檚 kind of the bane of my existence.鈥�
What does it mean to give kids real-world freedom, and why is that important?
鈥淚鈥檓 so glad you asked about that, because that鈥檚 a crucial piece of the equation. We really have overprotected kids in the real world and vastly underprotected them online, and we need to bring things back into balance.
鈥淪o that鈥檚 things like kids making their own way to school, say walking or biking, sending them into a grocery store with cash or a credit card once they鈥檙e about 10 to go buy a few things, that they do their own laundry, that they cook for the family every once in a while. You drop them off with their friends at an amusement park or the ice cream shop or a movie.
鈥淭hese things are all pretty familiar to many parents, especially Gen X parents, because this is how we grew up. Yet our kids often don鈥檛 have that freedom. So the idea is to shift the social norm, so that鈥檚 the way things are, that kids have some freedom to get on their bike and go to a friend鈥檚 house instead of having a feeling like it has to be social media or texting as the only way they can communicate.鈥�
Are you optimistic that there are broader forces out there helping with this?
鈥淵es and no. I鈥檓 optimistic about some things. You know, phone bans during the school day bell-to-bell have really taken off. More and more schools are clearly going in that direction, which is amazing. There are more and more states that are passing reasonable independence laws, so parents don鈥檛 have to be afraid, you know, if I let my 10-year-old walk to the park or to school.
鈥淭here鈥檚 progress there. Where I鈥檇 love to see more progress now is in regulation around social media to keep kids off of it until they鈥檙e ready. I mean, right now the law is 13. Even that is not enforced. Plus, no developmental expert or parent or educator ever said, 鈥�13, you know, middle school puberty, that is the best time to introduce social media.鈥� But I would settle for even the existing age minimum of 13 being enforced, because it鈥檚 not, which is why you have 10-year-olds and 11-year-olds on Snapchat and TikTok on a regular basis. So more regulation around that would be amazing.鈥�
If you had to narrow it down, what are one or two essential rules?
鈥淚t would be no phones or no devices in the bedroom overnight. Then you鈥檙e at least preserving sleep. Sleep is so essential for physical and mental health, and technology interferes with that. Most teens have their phone in their bedroom overnight and actually use it overnight.
鈥淚f I had to choose a second one, it would probably be the one about basic phones, not handing younger teens or kids an Internet-enabled phone, to give them a phone that鈥檚 more like training wheels, that is more appropriate for their age, but that they can still do some things that they want to do, like text their friends.鈥�
This interview was edited for clarity.
Book excerpt: 鈥�10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World鈥�
By Jean Twenge
Excerpted from 鈥�10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World,鈥� published by Atria Books, an Imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC. Printed by permission. Copyright 漏 2025.
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